A contradiction...

  I'm by no means, perfect.  I've never claimed to be.  I've just taken the world in stride and tried to find out where I belong in all of the madness.

Over the past few months, I've changed.  Hell... the past few years has been a hell of an eye-awaking experience.  I've only learned time and time again, that the only person I can trust... is myself.  People I've put all of my faith, love and trust into has only proven over time that it's pointless.  I've put myself out there and worked to the bone, to make someone else happy.  And in the end, I'm alone.

This statement couldn't be more true about my old life... my ability to be a father or to love someone to the brink of insanity.  Love is crazy... it's true.  Loving friends is no different.

Everyone has their own agenda.  I stayed with Amanda for 5 months, last year.  Before moving in, she had attempted to have an affair with me, on her current boyfriend Mike.  It ruined our relationship, as somewhere deep down... it affected the way she treated me, after I declined to go through with an affair.  At first, it didn't seem to be apparent... but it wasn't long before her entire attitude changed.  And when I was asked to move out, it affected the relationship with other friends... at which I had no doubt that she would be spreading rumors and lies, keeping this big secret from them all.  She had her own agenda and when I didn't fit into it, I was discarded and lied about.  Seems women have that ability to create bullshit.

I start to question myself.  Do I exhibit some sort of vibe, that allows this continue to take place?  Because after having it done big time, by my ex...  it seemed to be happening everywhere.  Trisha, Candy, Amanda, Emerald.  All of them left when they didn't get what they wanted.  3 out of 4 of them, managed to make things more difficult... though I stayed morally right.  I didn't commit the same bullshit as when I was a kid.  I wasn't the other guy anymore.  I wasn't the secret.  And it took a long time for me to realize the gravity of all of it.

Tracy even.  Which I'm only reminded of, because of a dream I had of her recently.  Last year, she told me she loved me.  In a romantic sense, despite being with someone she doesn't really love.  It lasted no more than a weekend.  But, I still feel the scar it's created.

It will always boggle me.  I wonder if it'll ever change?