How am I doing?

  These past 2 months have seemed to fly by.  Most of my time is spent, huddled next to my computer.  Watching movies, listening to music or playing a game.  I'm exercising and my body has been changing along with it.  I feel good... but still bad.  Lately, my nightmares having been getting the best of me.  Faces that haunt me.  I wake up in cold sweats and sometimes, still tears.  My days, I spend thinking about the kids every waking minute.  I spend ignoring the pain and fighting back the tears, doing my best to fake a smile.

  I'm not like who I used to be.  The spirit is still there, but the will is slow and never brims over.  I have begun looking for a therapists, as Jeff and Sarah really believe it'll help me.  I don't like the idea of explaining to a stranger, why I have no pep in my step.  Why I am sad, withdrawn and a much quieter person.  And more and more, people are opening up to tell me.  Ron, who once went out with Ali...  visited and visits more, telling me that he doesn't see much of a soul in my eyes.  Like, I've lost life in me.  He gave me a hug, which I didn't ask for.  And told me that he's there for anything I need.  He said "Out of all the couples... I honestly, thought yours was working."  All I could reply was "Me too", never knowing the truth or even coming to terms that the cheating, very well could have been present a lot longer than I ever knew.  All I need, is for him to update me on the kids.  To tell me how they are growing up.  It's hard to even imagine how much they've grown, as I choke back tears right now.

I sure hope this Therapist works.  I'm tired of living in constant grief and reminiscing of love felt.  I've tried to get past it.  I've really tried.  I've dated.  I've talked to women.  I'm just scared.  I'm tired.  I just want to sleep.

These are the feelings, I've been fighting for years.  A confusion on what to do.  A regret on things I've allowed to happen.  They could be here with me, right now... if only I choose differently...

There's been some good.  There's been small changes.  There's been light, in my darkness.

But, how has anyone else gone through this... and come out okay?  Will I be okay?  In all the changes in my life... why is this one is so hard to deal with?  All I talk about, are the kids.  And while it gives me a perfect reason to see their pictures, it comes less and less as I learn to live with this.  This is what she wanted though.  And now, I am as much as a ghost in her life as anyone else she's had.  I still wish I wasn't though.  I still wish I was.