Mom. I never really think about it, but recently I have. Probably what she's going through that's making me think about it. It's tough to see... or even experience, because it's my mom. And my mom has always been strong. Big mouthed, pushy, guilt-rider, pain in the ass she can be. We rarely get along and it's because I know her... and in a way, I'm a little like her. I do have a big mouth sometimes. I give my opinion freely and it's because of her I do.
For years, I've seen her taken medication that would knock me on my ass. It's impossible to even fathom. I've tried some kinds of small time drugs and only ever made pot a habit, but no... not compared to her medicine. And it's all day every day. Morphine. And if she doesn't have it, she's miserable. It's difficult to watch for the last 12 or 13 years. I've had to listen to talks about suicide... and while I'm human and I am understanding why... and why me... it's so hard to hear. She's my mom. She was a big reason I was fun with my kids. Parts of my mom and parts of my dad, went into all the greatest memories with the kids. Scary movies. Hide and Go Seek throughout the house, singing songs all day, sprinkler days, broken glowstick raves and playing in the rain. Though I'd like to think that the glowstick rave, was completely genuine. That's all me. That's my mom when I see her. Now it's her miserable smile. Her pained smile... trying to find who she was too. Skin on bones. Pale. Shakes. Still a cigarette in her mouth and a cockiness in her tone. At any moment she could just start yelling. Make up things to even yell about anymore. She's no where near the mom, I remember. She's sometime very mean. But, she's my mom. I love her and I've only got one.
I just keep hoping the next time I see her, she's better... feeling well or even excited.
Well, recently she had surgery on her back. As I was told... the cancer she had, had eaten part of her bones in her back, along where the disks are. (Disks are cushions of cartilage in between parts of bones, in this case her vertebra.) And a few broke. So, she had an experimental surgery or new technique or something where they take disks from a cadaver... and put them in her back. It happened on Monday. I called her and trying to understand her was nearly impossible. Lethargic, grunts and groans... just very hard to listen to. To a degree, I had expected it. So, even bracing for it didn't do me any good. I called her again yesterday to check on her. She called back, thinking I was someone else, asking this someone else... questions that I wouldn't know. Completely confused on who her son was. And complaining about the pain and the fact that she hasn't moved in about 6 days. She's so frail... It's extremely difficult.
I don't tell my mom, I love her enough. But, she would know I'm worried if I did. And I don't want her to know I'm worried. I love you mom. Please find the strength to get through this... or I will need to and I'm not ready yet.
It's difficult, but I will need to see her soon. I really should.
